Previously posted on Vox.com.
God: Here we are again.
Jesus: Can you believe it?
Muhammad: Yep, J-money it’s almost your birthday.
God: Your special day son.
Jesus: Lemme ask you something pops, do I count my birthday from the day I was born or the day I was resurrected?
Buddha: Deep. Can we take some time to meditate on that?
Wicca God (the god for witches): You’re just a big bald Socrates.
Muhammad: Simmer down, you’re a bit bitchy today.
God: Buddhy’s right, and we have nothing but time. Let’s think about the fact that the kid was born again.
Jesus: Speaking of time, what the heck happened to Cyndi Lauper. I liked her.
Wicca God: Damn, that was gonna be my birthday gift to you.
Jesus: Cyndi Lauper has a new album?
Wicca God: No my lily, I was going to get Cyndi Lauper to de-flower you…. get “your true colors to come shining through.”
Muhammad: Why does that fat man steal all your attention J?
Jesus: Who? Buddha?
God: John Goodman?
Buddha: Newt Gingrich?
Muhammad: No fools. Santa.
Wicca God: Damn his rosy cheeks, and gifts. He’s too cute. You should bring gifts to all once in awhile.
God: What gift, everlasting peace?
Jesus: Fried fish sandwiches? Jugs of wine?
Wicca God: No, I was thinking more like Wii. A Playstation. An iPhone.
God: I am the word.
Muhammad: It’s not always about you G.
Buddha: So what’re we doing for JC’s birthday? Chanting? Quiet reflection?
Jesus: As fun as that sounds, I was hoping we could have a party. You know paint the sky red.
Muhammad: Great idea. Let’s have honey, milk and manna cakes.
Jesus: Let’s have alot of wine, and get some girls to anoint my head with oils.
God: Young man, you know we’re on a budget this year.
Muhammad: Times are rough… yada yada yada.
Jesus: Ok, how about we turn the Red Sea into merlot and the Caribbean Sea into white rum?
Wicca God: Appropriate.
God: We can call Gabriel to deejay. He could play , “I Want to Thank You,” “There but for the Grace of God Go I,” “Ain’t No Stopping Us Now.” Anything by John Denver.
Jesus: Love it! Especially the disco. The world’s problems will have to take a backseat for as long as the bridges in those songs.
Wicca God: The bridge is never over.
God: I am.
Muhammad: God, it’s not always about you.
Jesus: So, we have a plan?
Wicca God: It’s all you J… wine, manna cakes, Gabe on the one and twos, and the chippies Cyndi and Mary. Gods just wanna have fun, no?