Find ecstasy within yourself. It is not out there. It is in your innermost flowering. The one you are looking for is you. – Osho

Today, I spoke to my very dear friend N while on a two-hour break at work. We hadn’t spoken in eons, due to time differences, the general business of her grad school life, and that neither of us are on Skype at the same time. I’ve also been partly responsible, because I’ve withdrawn from many “social” things, i.e., Facebook, Skype and an abundance of social activities, largely because I’d like to quiet a lot of the “noise” around me/ in me. It seems to me, so much of my daily life gets caught up in a lot of mindless chatter and inattentiveness…

The mind is always ready to go on some ego trip. And if you are fed up with the world, then again the ego starts finding new ways and new means to enhance itself – it becomes spiritual. You become a great mahatma, a great sage, a great scholar, a man of knowledge, a man of renunciation; again you are special. Unless the desire to be special disappears, you will never be special. Unless you relax into your ordinariness, you will never relax. – Osho

It seems lately that I’ve been a renouncing fool, but I’m not running away from things, but running to something. Trying to “be.” Looking for peace within myself and not looking for answers or validation from other people or from artificial, temporary buzzes. This is a period of “not really caring” about the opinions of others. It’s about trying to quell the ego. It’s okay if you think I’m a bitch, or kind, or superficial, or ugly, or attractive, or well-dressed, or poorly dressed, self-involved or giving. It doesn’t matter, please say what you like.

Your whole idea about yourself is borrowed– borrowed from those who have no idea of who they are themselves. – Osho

The most amazing thing I learned in college was how insecure most people are, including myself. I met some of the most wonderful, beautiful girls. Girls who swore they were ugly or fat or a combination of the two. I couldn’t believe that acknowledged “beauties” and genuinely lovely people could be so hard on themselves, have so much ingrained doubt. I was a size seven then, and internally browbeated myself about that until I got to a weight I found “attractive.” Did I become happier then? No. As I get older, I realize that this is what this life does to us. (Sometimes, it’s not life but family and friends). Beats us down. Forces us to concentrate on the superficial, the inconsequential, the complete time wasters. If we knew we were the black gold of the sun, if we knew and believed we were Godly/God-like/divine from day one, could anyone tell us we weren’t good enough? Would we even care what another person thought? Would we care if we weighed more than a few pounds past the “ideal?”(In case you’re in doubt, the answer’s a resounding “No”).

Take hold of your own life. See that the whole existence is celebrating. These trees are not serious, these birds are not serious. The rivers and the oceans are wild, and everywhere there is fun, everywhere there is joy and delight. Watch existence, listen to the existence and become part of it. ―  Osho

Let’s go inside our minds. Meditate. Become. It would be nice to spend as much time on the spirit as on dining out, make-up, clothes, hair maintenance, etc. It would bring real joy. N said that she’s been reading my blog and I seem very happy. Tokyo makes me glad (the orderliness, the courteousness, the amazing food), and there are great days, but as I told her and all of you in previous posts, I’ve felt something is missing. I’ve mentioned on more than one occasion that I’m bored, despite the social activities and gregarious people that surround me. My boredom isn’t coming from the outside, but within. For years, I aimed to attain spiritual clarity to quiet my hyperactive mind, but I haven’t done anything in months. Not even as much as a moment of gratitude or a silent moment. N‘s conversation about “fantasy lives,” a part of which will follow, reminded me that there’s more to life than shopping, acquiring, eating, and living without an aim.

All that is great cannot be possessed – and that is one of the most foolish things man goes on doing. We want to possess.  ― Osho

N: my fantasy life is a bit silly but I would love to live in a bungalow by the beach, grow fruits, and write a book.

valerie smith: Dude, me too!!!! That’s not silly at all.

N: No kids.  Just me and my husband.

valerie smith: Me too, but not the fruit part.

N: Just living. That’s what I want.

valerie smith: I love that!!!

N: So ya, that is what I’m visualising. Now to make it happen.

valerie smith: I think that’s amazing not silly at all.

N: Just very low-key.  No make up, no handbags. I got rid of half my wardrobe recently. Kept only what I like. Was so liberating.

valerie smith: I’ve done that. It feels great. No makeup would be fantastic.

N: I realised that even though I now have enough to buy what I like, when you have the expensive handbag or shoes, the happiness is short lived, you’re bored after 5 min. It’s not satisfying. So there’s got to be more.

valerie smith: yep.

Each person comes into this world with a specific destiny – he or she has something to fulfill, some message that has to be delivered, some work that has to be completed. You are not here accidentally – you are here meaningfully. There is a purpose behind you. The whole intends to do something through you.  ― Osho

What is my purpose here? If nothing else to bring a smile to someone else. (I make myself smile all the time, it might mean I’m crazy… ?). Though, this blog is a journal of sorts, it’s meant to be positive… for myself and others. How would relaying the days I feel down serve you (and obviously, there are some) ? I don’t believe it would. Everyone’s mission is different however, and I learn from and relate to the sadness of others. In a previous post’s comments, my brother said I was being “Pollyanna-ish,” and I thought “Yes, I’m glad, I’m happy, my intentions are succeeding.”

Be well.

Nobody can say anything about you. Whatsoever people say is about themselves. But you become very shaky, because you are still clinging to a false center. That false center depends on others, so you are always looking to what people are saying about you. And you are always following other people, you are always trying to satisfy them. You are always trying to be respectable, you are always trying to decorate your ego. This is suicidal. Rather than being disturbed by what others say, you should start looking inside yourself… – Osho